Finals week musings. My paper is due in three hours. It remains unwritten.

I guess that is how relationships are.

We don’t know what we’re doing most of the time.

We ruminate for eons and trace point-less circles, we procrastinate (the dreaded word) and act rashly without having decided on a decision, we take heedless and unheeded risks, we crash into the dark and cartwheel into foreign waters, we try our hand at parkour and–an inch from the safety zone–fall into a landmine.

No, we don’t know what we’re doing, and so how can you or I be blamed?

We tell ourselves, again and again, what was the intention behind the thought/word/action? And yet we can’t help but bare ourselves and our hearts to painful emotion, to feelings of resentment, rejection, loneliness, betrayal. Our egos dig our graves, and we voluntarily lie inside, because we are that pathetic and pitiable because we have cast ourselves as victims forever.

When will we spearhead the future, when will we decide to triumph over our fears and insecurities to become our self-made superheroes if no one else comes to our rescue first? That is the key to salvation and freedom, can’t you just taste it on your tongue/cheek as we speak, doesn’t it smell wonderful? It smells like grapefruit and citrus to me. Like life. Like owning life. Like leading life, not being led by life. Not being dragged along by a leash as you grumble and whine and insist that you left “something important” back there, back at your old home, inside the treehouse you built as a wistful kid-dreamer (actual kid, this time) with only wisps of nature and kind spirits and fireflies and fantasy to care about (by the way, imagine how familiar this attitude is to the “adults” in our lives? How such familiarity is what amplifies if not causes their irritation with our ridiculousness). Inside that treehouse, you would snuggle into your old bed, the covers are ancient and a patchwork of old clothes and rags. But they contain memories and therefore dreams, they have molded around your little frame in order to say, “I’ll always be here! You’re always welcome into my arms! They’ll always be warm for you!”

But that comfort is what is anathema to your progress and growth and conquer of the society you were born into, raised in. Unfortunately, you were socialized to believe its manufactured and institutionalized untruths, but you are obliged to draw truths from these untruths, to gouge your eyes out and blind yourself if that’s what it takes to stop questioning. But would you really want to do that? What a polarizing world we live in.. Will return to this after I write my final paper in less than three hours.

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